Friday, November 11, 2005

Parakeet Genocide aka Operation Die Birdie Die

I whole heartedly apologize to all bird lovers and tree huggers...I plan on orchestrating the mass destruction of about three massive trees that surround my block. From the corner of Aldama and Avenue 54 to Aldama and Avenue 55 thrive about 40 billion green and red parakeets. These little shitbags start their rampage at the crack of dawn and are undauntedly relentless till dusk. Sleeping in is no longer an option, and people who were once regular guests at my house have decided to stay elsewhere in hopes of sleeping past seven in the morning. Others have opted to migrate towards the front of the house, since listening to road traffic is so much more soothing than cawing birds.

I recall the morning that I actually saw 'them' for the first time. I was sitting on the back balcony of my house enjoying a nice Saturday morning coffee and smoke when the piercing cawing of birds began to make my ears bleed. I figured it was the crows that lived down the street and attempted to pay no attention to my busted ear drums. As the cawing became louder and louder, my nose began to bleed and as I squinted, I saw a swarm of something paint the sky green. It almost looked like God ran a green highlighter across the sky just for me...(as God proceeded to let me bleed to death via my ear canal). I knew I wasn't completely insane when a friend of mine joined me on the balcony rubbing his eyes and asking me, "What the FUCK are you doing out here, clubbing a chicken with a snack sized salami?" I'm serious...that is exactly what came out of his mouth. I gestured towards the sky, and his mouth opened ever so slightly, he reached for my smoke, took a hit, and proceeded to go back into the house and sleep for a few more hours with ear plugs in.

There's some old wives tale going around the block that some 'bird-lady' use to live around these parts a while ago and she was dumb enough to not lock her cages. La-la, her birds eventually began procreating like rabbits, and with all that inbreeding I'm really surprised that these god damn parakeets don't have more visible mutations. Although the one that I saw the other day did ask my neighbor for a slice of french bread and opted for no cream in its tea. But, what the fuck? These birds have become a serious problem and someone (primarily me) is going to have to take the law into their own hands. I have already decided to take out the two main trees on my block that house the central flocks. If I can take out the main nest, I may be able to take out 'mother'. I hear things around the 'hood, and I heard that 'mother' has been around since the very beginning. Rumors have it that 'mother' was the bird that was let out of the 'bird-lady's' cage. I doubt that the flock will be able to sustain itself with 'mother' gone. It would be a lovely day in the 'hood if neon green birds began falling from the sky. The crazy Mexican Catholic grandmothers may take it as a sign from the Virgin Mary herself that Jebus is comin' home. Compromiso abuelita (that means sorry grandma), your boy is not comin' home. But at least you'll have some nice feathers to decorate your homes with, and enough sopa con salsa verde (soup with green salsa) to last you until Feliz Navidad 2007.

I figure if I take a rocket launcher to both of those trees all of my problems should be solved. Actually nix that, I'd like to leave the abuelitas with something to salvage, blowing up the trees would just leave a mess. With all this talk of death and destruction, I would like to take a time-out and say that if I knew of an organization that would be willing to climb these huge trees and catch each of these birds individually (for their [the birds] own protection) then I would be more than willing to cease all efforts to kill the motherfuckers. But alas, no one is making the effort but myself to alleviate the problem. Now, back on track...I am attempting to put together my 'pit crew' for Operation Die Birdie Die, it goes without being said that the Dor-I will be glued to my side with her bee-bee gun (which by the way she has had years of practice on) as well as Brainpanic, who so happens to live across the street and also suffers from sleepless nights and bloody pillow cases. His job has yet to be specified, but I figure that we could put his marathon running experience to use and make him our munitions specialists and civilian protector. This will entail Brainpanic running back and forth reloading the Dor-I's bee-bee gun as well as supplying refreshments to the both of us. During reloading he will also he held responsible for the lives of innocents that may be caught in the crossfire as well as in the path of destruction (primarily in the blasting area where an innocent may get knocked unconscious by a falling enemy).

I am willing to take on more soldiers for this mission, but it would have to be by invitation only. If you so decide to take on this responsibility of protecting our neighborhood, I don't promise that you will return the same person as when you began this dog-fight. I invite the following occupants of HP to join our crusade against the defecating green shitbags:

Tina (call sign Guatemalan Kitchen Tagger)
Justin (call sign Yo-Yo Master)
Hazel (call sign Tecate)

*considering the fact that the two of you have a newborn baby I will be willing to take only one of you. Hazel can't lose both of her parents to the enemy. I do promise that if anything does happen to either of you, she will carry on the legacy.

I will be as presumptuous to say that this will be a swift victory, it will be sudden and unrelenting. I ADVISE ALL CIVILIANS TO: Please avoid all commuting within this area preferably on Saturday and Sunday between the hours of 11 am and 4 pm. That will give us enough time to sleep off any liquor clouds from the night before as well as place us indoors before it gets too cold and dark. I decided that it wouldn't be in the best interest of civilians to strike during the week since there is a local high school down the street. The fewer lives lost the better. God speed to my soldiers as we approach the day of our reckoning and take back all those hours of lost z's, and Hazel I do promise that one day you will wake up in a world free of inbred wild shitbag parakeets.